There are a lot of “therapy talk” buzzwords flying casually around the internet, and codependency is one of them. Let’s define the concept before our brains run amuck! I’m a huge fan of making concepts clear and understandable, so I turned to dependable Mirriam-Webster:

Codependency is “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another often controlling or manipulative person .”

Low self-esteem. Strong desire for approval. Unhealthy attachment.

Check. Check. Check. All of these phrases perfectly describe the most challenging and toxic relationship in my life: the one I’ve had with social media.

I’m an 80’s baby. 1988, to be exact. I grew up as a wild child, running around in nature and riding my bike through the neighborhood to buy penny Tootsie Rolls at the corner market. My journal was my first best friend, and my human best friend spent most of our childhood living in Japan with her military family. My thoughts and feelings were shared through the act of FEELING and then capturing the emotions/experience in my journal or to my best friend through letters sent every few weeks. YES, SNAIL MAIL. I didn’t grow up with social media - I didn’t even have my first cell phone until I was 15 and it was a Nokia 3220 with giant flashing side lights that would put cop cars to shame.

I didn’t have a platform where I could share my traumas, emotions, pain, and life experiences until the arrival of MySpace. For the first 14 years of my life, everything I felt and needed to process was written down in my journal or occasionally shared in “counseling sessions” with the pastor of the cult we belonged to - sessions where he just shamed me and told me to pray more. I was entirely repressed, without a safe or neutral space to process what my still-developing body and brain were experiencing.

Guess what? On top of that, I was neurodivergent and had no idea what that meant, or a diagnosis and the tools to understand my own brain and life lens. I was one of the many women who wouldn’t find out about their neurodivergence until their 30’s and 40’s, through navigating a child’s diagnosis.

Isolated. Lonely. Traumatized. Low self-esteem. Difficulty fitting into “normal” constructs of social life. It was the perfect recipe for a young girl to latch onto Myspace and FINALLY feel like I had a space to exist and be heard. I spent countless nights sneaking onto my dad’s desktop or using the computers at the local library to share my poetry, emotions, and pain with a worldwide web of other angsty teens.

This is where my codependency with social media began.

In 2005 Facebook entered, followed by Instagram, and eventually all the platforms we currently use and enjoy in 2024. Each time a new platform emerged, it became a space for me to pour out my heart and speak my mind in all the ways I couldn’t do in my daily life. It became a space where I could craft an alternative life for myself - one where I could be deep and RAW with my feelings late at night, and the next day share posts about my spouse that masked the reality of our life. I built an entrepreneurial career with Facebook and Instagram, from leading online coaching groups with Beachbody to a beautiful photography business. Through these platforms I met wonderful humans with common interests from around the world, and I formed a community of relationships with people I’d unlikely meet in real life; meanwhile, my daily life was a chaotic mess of toxic relationships, neurodivergent struggles, debilitating postpartum anxiety, and at one point in 2021 - suicidal ideation.

What “saved” me?

If you’d asked me two years ago at the start of my divorce, I would have said social media. The most honest answer is this: I saved myself, by going to therapy and leaning into my intensive healing journey. Let’s unpack that thought though, that social media was my Superman.

The reality is that from age 15 I’d developed a codependency within my relationship to social media platform use. It allowed me to trauma dump, receive validation and support, and gave me a place to run to when my own life became too much. It became a source of dopamine. In 2021, before my divorce process started, my spouse often complained that I’d rather be on my phone than watching movies with him - and he constantly asked if I was cheating. He was wrong about that aspect, but correct in that being online chatting with other women sliding into my DMs to share their struggles WAS so much easier than trying to be present in the relationship I knew I needed to exit. (Also, isn’t it ironic that people who are chronic cheaters try to project their behaviors onto you? That’s a topic for another post.) When I did exit my marriage, social media was there to hear my fears and connect me with resources. I found new relationships with other women going through similar things and joined countless divorce Facebook groups. When I felt ready to start dating, all my connections happened because of Instagram. I received so much external support and validation through social media that I quite literally felt like it was the best relationship in my life.

However, it had become highly toxic and codepent for me. If you’d looked at the stats for my social media use in 2023, you’d probably ask “When do you have time to eat?” The dopamine addiction was REAL, ya’ll. I recognized towards the end of 2023, as I dug deeper into my REAL therapy, that I’d come to see my accounts as the most important part of my life and business - yet, my real business had tanked because I wasn’t pouring my heart into it. I was craving validation constantly, and basing my worth as a creative on how others perceived and received me. I had a come-to-Jesus moment when, after launching my group coaching program for women and getting absolutely zero signups, I found myself crying at the bottom of my shower asking “Why don’t people want what I have to give? Why don’t they WANT me or LIKE me? What’s wrong with me?”

Raise your hand right now if social media has ever made you feel this way. As I’ve started the process of healing this for myself, I’ve come to recognize that I’m not alone in this.

So how does one heal a codependent relationship?

I’m not a therapist *yet* so I will just tell you what I am doing for myself in this process:

First, I had to step away from social media and regulate my nervous system. This coincided beautifully with the start of a training program I wanted to focus my energy on, which happens to be deepening my relationship with myself. On January 19th I removed all the apps from my phone and am spending intentional time every day reminding myself, in writing, of who I am and why I love and value myself. Secondly, I am working with my inner child to hear, see, and understand WHY she craves validation and to assure her that grownup River can provide those needs. Third, and what for me has been most impactful, is to become present in every aspect of my daily life and to exist with intentionality. I have given myself boundaries around my energy and time. The ripple of these combined actions has already had a massive effect on my life and relationships.

Am I going to return to social media platforms beyond my website?

Likely, in the future. I understand that social media as a tool can help run a business and reach an audience of like-minded individuals. There is so much CONNECTION that can happen with social media, and I’m not here to tell you that the digital world is wrong, evil, and to be avoided; however, I’m here to tell you in a very honest and raw way, that its important to reflect on how we use it and how we FEEL with it. After all, it’s not the things we use negatively that are the problem - it’s the wounds within us that shape how we interact with it.

How do I feel today, as I write this post?

I feel MORE connected than ever, in ways that feed my soul. It’s the first time I’ve been online since last Sunday when I sat down to write my weekly newsletter. After I finish typing I am going out to hike with my dog and soak up more nature. I know that when I do return to social media, it will come with a fresh lens, healthy boundaries, and a deeper self-love.